A great conversation.
I like when things fall into my lap. I had updated my Facebook status today to ‘Matt Diamondstone is craving a really good conversation with someone. Anyone.’ Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, I had a great conversation. Here are some highlights:
I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately, which is often dangerous, but has been helping me to realize myself lately. “He who knows others, is wise. He who knows himself, is enlightened.”
I’m quite good at ‘knowing’ others. I can usually tell ‘who’ a person is within a few minutes of talking to them — what makes them tick. But — and this is the problem — I have no idea how to ‘know’ myself. I don’t know where I stand in relation to other people. I don’t know what they think of me, and I don’t know how they judge me. This is where many of my insecurities come from. I always feel like people are talking about me, but I have no idea what they could be saying. I don’t know who I am, who I’m going to be, or who I even want to be.
Personal growth is very important to me. In fact, I would say that personal growth is the most important thing in my life. I’m only 20 years old, yet I live the life of an adult; working full time, supporting myself, and living my life. I do a lot of introspection in general — I know what I like about myself, I know what I don’t like about myself, and I know what I need to do to change those things (and I am usually actively trying to change them).
That being said, I still have no idea what drives me — what makes me tick.
I can explain every single one of my actions and behaviours. I can sit and analyze my every move, and tell you why I did it at the time, why I did it subconsciously, and why I would or wouldn’t do it again. I grew up around a man for whom nothing was good enough. My father was never happy with what I had done — he was always focused on what I hadn’t. So I grew up constantly craving approval. I want people to smile and laugh, or grow as a person, or feel like they haven’t wasted their time with me. I want people to tell me I’m doing a good job, hell, that I’m doing a great job! It shows in everything I do: joining a fraternity for acceptance, getting a job where I fix other people’s problems all day, etc, etc. I just want people to like me.
I am, according to a close friend, one of a small percentage of people who will actually talk about what’s in their head. I don’t believe that I talk about myself out of conceit or ego, rather, it’s a fascination with oneself, and a fascination at being able to analyze myself that way. A lot of people can’t be honest with themselves — I can, and I share it with everyone (so they’ll like me!).
I don’t want you to humor me and tell me I’m ‘doing a good job’. If you want to say it, and you mean it, that’s great. But I don’t talk about myself for ego boosts or confidence builders; I talk about myself for me — to grow and learn. I talk about myself so that someone else can provide an objective viewpoint as to whether or not I’m crazy, or whether or not my ideas are reasonable. I talk about myself because I don’t know myself, and the only way I can is through someone else’s eyes.